I'm still here..

Funny, I was thinking of this blog and how it's been such a long time since I have been here.  Life has calmed down a lot but still busy as ever.  After not going and going and then not going we are still going to marriage group.  What a long and difficult road.  But worth every agonizing moment.  We are definitely at a better place and working each day to be a light to the world!

Oswald Chambers 

 
The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit . . . —Romans 8:16

We are in danger of getting into a bargaining spirit with God when we come to Him—we want the witness of the Spirit before we have done what God tells us to do.
Why doesn’t God reveal Himself to you? He cannot. It is not that He will not, but He cannot, because you are in the way as long as you won’t abandon yourself to Him in total surrender. Yet once you do, immediately God witnesses to Himself—He cannot witness to you, but He instantly witnesses to His own nature in you. If you received the witness of the Spirit before the reality and truth that comes from obedience, it would simply result in sentimental emotion. But when you act on the basis of redemption, and stop the disrespectfulness of debating with God, He immediately gives His witness. As soon as you abandon your own reasoning and arguing, God witnesses to what He has done, and you are amazed at your total disrespect in having kept Him waiting. If you are debating as to whether or not God can deliver from sin, then either let Him do it or tell Him that He cannot. Do not quote this or that person to Him. Simply obey Matthew 11:28 , “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden . . . .” Come, if you are weary, and ask, if you know you are evil (see Luke 11:9-13).
The Spirit of God witnesses to the redemption of our Lord, and to nothing else. He cannot witness to our reason. We are inclined to mistake the simplicity that comes from our natural commonsense decisions for the witness of the Spirit, but the Spirit witnesses only to His own nature, and to the work of redemption, never to our reason. If we are trying to make Him witness to our reason, it is no wonder that we are in darkness and uncertainty. Throw it all overboard, trust in Him, and He will give you the witness of the Spirit.

Bible in One Year: Isaiah

Vulnerability!

There is this video that has been really popular lately on TED.com by Brene' Brown If you haven't seen it yet you should! It's only 20 minutes and for me it was quite compelling... I was drawn in and couldn't let it go.

My husband and I meet every week with a few couples (one couple not yet married) with the intentionality to keep ourselves accountable. Not just to keep each other accountable but also to practice accountability before God.  I was sharing with them this video about vulnerability and the importance of understanding shame. As we went around the room each of us shared about our week. The couple that is not yet married said they had a good week etc. and as things rambled along Josh brought up how proud he was that he spent one whole hour each week with Savannah, just focused on their relationship and connecting with each other.   Savannah quickly informed him, however, even though this was good - how much time did he spend on pointless stuff like video games, sports and so on. We all smiled and his bubble was summarily popped. We did, however, give him great encouragement because we all knew we had not done much better in our previous week. 

We all know that the task at hand is a big one, and is not for the faint of heart. What really got me thinking from the video is that the vulnerability/shame exercise is excruciating for everyone and keeps us all resistant from exploring our relationships deeper, all because of fear of rejection. Hence: the one hour a week is all I can muster for now.

I believe this is the hidden key, especially for me, to a woman's heart. It's not just him listening and hearing my heart but it's allowing me in to see and understand his deep root of shame - him being vulnerable enough to share it, to understand it - and thus feeling the profound sense of connection. That is what I want most of all. I think this is where our souls meet with the whole heart and where we can truly become "soul mates." Or is that the "oneness" God describes in marriage and the "oneness" He wants to share with us?  When we let go of the distraction of excruciation/rejection and allow ourselves to understand our own shame, and share it with each other; in response our souls begin to knit together.

Thanksgiving's Greatest Blessings

Realizing that you have so much to be thankful for!  Connecting with your family and friends in a special way that brings joy and you know it is because Gods hand was orchestrateing it all. Thank you Lord,  for all the blessings that you give in such abundance and I know I do not deserve what He hands out so lavishly!
New Mantra for life:    Always give thanks everyday for all the snarly moods and impossible delimma's that you think are so justified, for all the negative people in life that want to steal your joy "give thanks" to God for considering you to up hold HIS glory. For I live to give GOd Glory in all things!

After this I heard what sounded like the roar of a great multitude in heaven shouting: “Hallelujah! Salvation and glory and power belong to our God,
Revelation 19:1-3 

How your marriage proclaims the gospel

Does that sound weird that your marriage proclaims the gospel everyday to the world? I believe that it does. If we are to become "one flesh" that one flesh is a direct reflection to the world of Jesus and your surrendered life to God! I think that is why as women we know when things need to be changed or prayed about why we go crazy when we know life and marriage are not going as we think they should and for some women they might not even fully understand why they feel like they are going crazy or unsettled. I have learned something this weekend. Something that stood out for me more than ever. When God created Adam first he then created Eve out of his side taking from Adam one rib...why? Because Adam would be the source of life for Eve and Eve his help meet. IF we were suppose to be separate he would have created them separately....ponder that for a while and the deeper meaning. I just can't get that out of my head today. The husband is the source of life and the wife is a help meet. The help meet being the person who makes sure things are on track spiritually between the two of you.

Romans 6:16 came to mind "Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience, you are slaves of the one you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in righteousness?"

If we are "one flesh" as God described it, then this verse even has a deeper meaning for a married couple because if the husband is not being the source of life and presenting his life in
"Christ-likeness" to his wife with a surrendered humble attitude and the wife in turn is not responding ...things just will remain out of sync and the women is especially designed to recognize that. I feel of course it is a two-way street that both need to be before the Lord in this. But how did God design it? Well he created man first in the garden as the source of life then he created the women...so who should really initiate the process of obedience first? Who did he ask to become Christlike first? The man. Just some thoughts I had and have been learning if you want to know more

yourmarriagerestored.blogspot.com

A Glimpse of Turqoise

By my mom Jayne

Alone
I sit at my window,
Peering drearily out of my white prison,
Snow, plunders the country side
In pale persistence.
Scantliy clad trees,
Stand bare.
Frigid castaways,
In natures realm.
Pearl frosted meadows,
Iced,
raw,
Monopolize the landscape.
Stillness lingers,
not peaceful...but uneasy.
My ears strain at it's grip,
pulsating,
My eyes grow weary seeking release,
from the bleak, stark world of winter
Suddenly....
I see something!
a small dot of blue,
a glimpse of turqoise,
curious, I look closer,
an old lawn chair, disgarded...
twisted
weatherwarn metal, secured,
Solitarily braced against a tree,
Etched in rust, it's
Burdened with snow.
Regarding this,
My thoughts fall back to years ago.
I think of Duchess, mu old dog.
Pink patches of skin perforated her
beautiful coat.
Time carved it's mark upon her beauty,
but we loved her.
The chair, by contrast, was once
beautiful.
and needed.
What memories linger there?
A fleeting moment in time
scaling the subconscience,
nudging the heart,
Flexing emotions,
Revelie of the mind....then gone.
Humbly.
Now, cast out...it still stands
supremely frozen to the ground.
Upon it's seat...a childs toy bucket,
secured by ice,
Support past dreams
of sandy beaches,
Wiggly poly-wogs,
a world full of flower scents,
Brilliant gardens splashed across the hills.
Hot summer days.
Ringing in laughter.
Barefoot children running zig-zag
patterns thru wet grass.
Purple, pink-chipped evenings
melting into night.
Now, blooming in starkness,
As a gem in nature's court,
this blue dot,
this spec on earths giant face,
Left to the elements,
Brings me joy!
Renovates my mind of fullness,
Massages the ragged edges of
boredom into peace.
This drop of color on winter's spread,
Punctuates the long line of trees
across the horizon.
It is a beacon to dreary thoughts a promise,
Dear God, if this is true, in my thoughts,
of a mere chair,
What of me?
In this vast caotic world, I am but a small dot
a flec of humanity among scores.
Unnoticed, lost, going about in a
treadmill of tasks.
Yet, somewhere out there,
How extraordinary to think,
that somehow,
someday,
somewhere,
I, too may become
a glimpse of turqoise
In someones eyes.

thoughts late at night...

I can’t fully be myself when I am not allowed to express my love or I am not expected to show the love I have to give, undisturbed, by your demands. I have so much pent up unexpressed emotion. Is this the way I was created? Why do I desire, so much, a deep meaningful, spiritual connection that fully completes me? What is becoming one suppose to really mean if you cannot truly meet on those terms completely naked of expectation, fully baring your soul, being fully transparent that you can unite in such a way that it will reflect the person you are truly suppose to be and fulfill the purpose in your life before God. I question every day my existence in this marriage and it’s demise if it does not start to bow before God in humility. I know God created me for this marriage. I role-played it as a child. I Dreamed of having a husband and being completely in love. Who put that in my heart? Who created me to want such a deep connection with my husband? Who is it that gave me those dreams and why? Who could it be but the Creator of my soul; a soul that is tortured; demanding to be released imprisoned by unresolved conflict and rejected love.